With all your energy focused on the coming baby, it's easy to forget that the extended postpartum visit is in itself a rite of passage. Good luck! A dry spell may easier to endure by remembering: The good news: Most new moms start having sex again by three months after having a baby. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. Just tell them if they want to see the baby they have to provide proof of vaccination. Teresa, We had our first baby last June, and my husband's Mom also wanted to come ''help take care of us''. Robin Arzn Is On A Mission To Raise Resilient Kids With Her New Book, Strong Baby. I have just tried to remind myself that it was not me that made mom need to stay elsewhere, it was her behaviour. But theres also a difference between Im coming over for 10 days and Im gonna be living with you for a while. You can very politely insist that your out of town guests and family find other accomodations. Then stick to it. She shopped, made rich nutritious meals, dropped off the laundry, in short ran everything so we could focus on baby! Of course, as soon as we caved, she was here, and she was no help at all. To minimize the negative feelings, keep the focus on the tasks that need to be done and on making the request in a clear and kind way. At first I was resigned, but they soon proved to be a godsend. Let the doctor be the bad guy, if you need to. As much as you can, stay positive, be flexible, and go with the flow. First of all, the first few days of a baby's life are the most magical and precious. If she had a will, there will be a named Executor who will either administer the estate or another heir would file a petition to be na. It's important that you set the expectations now. Don't you DARE feel that you must ''entertain'' them! We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. She lives an hour away and really wants to help us. This usually happens 1-5 minutes after birth if your baby is well. Do you have a cradle or co-sleeper? Ultimately you cant force them to get vaccinated, but you can set and hold the boundary, and communicate it as kindly and respectfully as possible. Second, if you can, stick to your guns. So trust your instincts on the situation and go with your gut! Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. Give them chores in advance so both sides know what to expect. Does my grocery shopping, if need be. Let your partner know how strongly you feel and insist on their support as well. Having relatives stay with you can be really wonderful or really a burden, and it just depends on your respective personalities and everyone's expectations. etc. I have always felt entirely comfortable about my firmness in setting the rules about when I introduced my newborn to the family, and my mother did have to accept my decision. The first thing to remember: You are allowed, even encouraged, to be selfish during the first postpartum weeks. Maybe they are scared of immunizations? Pertussis isn't something to mess around with. Here's how to make the most of it. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. And your husband can't be a host either. Baby Development Month by Month Your newborn baby's growth and development By Chaunie Brusie, R.N. My mom runs the vacuum. If you don't feel comfortable asking, definitely have your husband ask if ''grandma'' can do the laundry. But we did have about three big blow-outs because I was harboring discomfort and resentment and, oh yeah, I was about to pop! For those new mothers who are close to their own mother and their partner's mother, the visits can be a godsend -- a time to soak up the older women's affection and experience and to take advantage of an extra set of hands. But if you were born in 1957 or later, confirm that you're up-to-date on your vaccinations. You're the one who's having the baby; you're the one she should be supporting, with whatever suits you. Most babies are quite charming at this age, smiling and laughing and friendly, pre-teething (for most) and pre-stranger anxiety. Afterbirth pains are belly cramps you feel as your uterus (womb) shrinks back to its regular size after pregnancy. I will not have anyone else there. It tends to help others keep their distance. For example, I didn't say that I didn't want them to come because I'd have to cook and clean for them (of course they would say ''no you don't!'') They adored the baby and loved holding him, but handed him over as soon as he started to cry or needed a new diaper. It takes strength to regain control, but the payoff is well worth it. So my MIL slept there. It is helpful having someone take care of the household issues but not at the risk of you becoming overwhelmed and stressed at the thought of them being there. As we feared, both women made us so uncomfortable, we felt like barricading the door when they left. It is your right as a parent to protect your child, which includes minimizingexposure to non-vaccinated adults. Here is what I think is ideal. My mother in law comes and visits the kids once a week and I dont mind that. My daughter is 10 months old and my experience of that early beginning was that I was exhausted and really in need of care and pampering. They have not come yet, and our daughter is 2 months old. No one is coming to my house after baby is born, at least for 3 weeks. To which I responded, ''That's why you should come visit later.'' You can say you have an opportunity to hire a great baby nurse or doula. I love them and all, but I wouldnt want them living here after baby is born. Just an idea. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. I really recommend taking the time you need to take care of yourself and your baby-- it's such a precious time and you'll go through a lot in those first days/weeks after birth. The majority of residents had short . While some grandmothers are still reeling from not being invited into the delivery room, here comes a second blow: The new family isn't quite ready for company. anon, Trust your gut and say no to the guests. The good news is that with a little advance knowledge of the changes that both generations are going through and the likely hot spots -- which turn out to be surprisingly predictable -- you can take charge of the invitation process, set priorities, and orchestrate the visits so that they're fruitful for everyone. East Coast?) FTM and SAHM since April 2023, Looking for advice and needing to vent.My husband(25M) and I(21F) moved in with my grandpa(78M) last year, weve been living here for almost a year now along with our 7 week old. One tactic I used with my in-laws was to point out that the baby will probably be sleeping 20 hours a day at first, and if they waited 6 weeks it would be better for everyone (i.e., the baby would be more alert and responsive, making it more enjoyable for the grandparents; the baby would get more out of their visit because she would be able to really see them and interact, and also saying that I would need more help then because the baby would be awake more often and more demanding). Good luck! I had a difficult birth and couldn't do much for several days. Let them know where restaurants are, and have plenty of take out menus available. Also, if it'd make you feel better, consider having her stay at an inexpensive hotel nearby (or maybe with another one of your siblings/friends if they live in the area) instead of her staying with you in your 2-bedroom home you could explain that she'll be more comfortable there because your home is now such close quarters, etc. Airplanes? If they are sincere about helping, they will follow it. We were nervous for her to leave but also it was nice to have time as just the new family of three after we had adjusted. He was the perfect houseguest -- one who helped out when you needed it and then disappeared when you needed space. My midwife actually did say this -- she recommended no visitors for the first two weeks, and since both my mother and my mother in law tend to be more work than help, I didn't let either one come for four weeks and then had them both stay in hotels. I believe that you should stick to your ground. My mother-in-law came 5 days after the birth, and she was absolutely not helpful in the least. I recommend that approach, even if you have to pitch in on the room -- much less stressful than having a houseguest (ANY houseguest) at a time like this, and I think even Dear Abby would agree with that. My Older Child Isn't Bonding With Her Baby Sibling, How Do I Encourage Her to Care? I don't see how this is delicate unless you are depending on the grandparents for money or childcare. Anonymous, When my baby was born last year, I felt very strongly that I didn't want anyone to be with us for the first two weeks. Relationships that were not so good, got worse & even good relationships were strained. Best of luck. April 2003 My husband told me that we cannot be the only ones with this concern/problem, so I am seeking your advice. Ugh. For example, it can improve your baby's heart rate and increase the haemoglobin in their blood. "If Mom is overbearing and involved, I would ask her to do very specific things. I havent told any of the grandparents to be yet but my husband and I are on the same page. My first born (a daughter) was my in-law's first grandchild. Thanks . And people just need to respect it. She very much wanted to be here for our daughter's birth. I would be so pissed. I would just try to say it in a way that is factual, not argumentative. Again FTM, bit I have seen enough births and read enough articles to know you are going to need time after the baby gets here to get settled. She makes herself useful by doing practical work such as changing diapers and washing dishes, which I do appreciate. This just solidified everything. For me, personally, I found I had to adapt my wishes as well and put aside some ego for the sake of having my children have a relationship with their grandparents. After all, if you don't stick up for yourself now, you may eventually reach the point where you will have to exclude her from your life altogether. You will not have any excess energy for entertaining, so don't worry about that. I guess if I were you I'd just keep reinforcing with her that this is what your husband, other child, new baby and you NEED as a FAMILY -- time to be with eachother so that everyone can get used to your new family member. Then did our own thing during the day. So you may have seen me complaining on here a bit recently lol so I thought Id share an update that our baby girl has finally arrived! My mother came to stay with me after my son was born. "The length of time for visits will . We went through the exact same thing when our son was four weeks old. As is, one needs a booster shot every 10 years to protect against pertussis - have your parents had the shot or the booster in that time? 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. Elizabeth. I would suggest you make a list of the closest hotels or B and send them to your relatives with a firm request to choose one, The grandparents came visiting again once our baby was about 6 months old, and I was happy for them to stay with us. but if you have a helpful mother , you could totally use the help. Your baby your rules. 4. Also, I will make clear from the start that my house is not a hotel and that I wont be cooking and cleaning for other than me and my baby. My pediatrician said that it lasts ten years, not two, so you may want to ask again about that, if they have had one in the last ten years (though it sounds like probably not). Your housecleaner? Its completely normal if his mom comes weeks after- speak what you want or youll just be frustrated and have to be dealing with a newborn on top of that. Sit down and tell your husband how you feel. 2) Draw up a checklist of daily chores. That way she won't waste time visiting before the baby arrives, she won't have to pay a horrendous airfare, and she will get to see the baby when it is starting to be more playful and alert. Entertaining guests was the last thing I wanted/was able to do. 81-year-old Ronna has been a nudist for over 30 years, and she's seen it all. My husband did a good job of prepping them. Feb 15, 2022 But if you know your visitor is just not the type to roll up her sleeves for cleaning or KP duty, maybe Grandma's primary role will be babysitting so you can get some fresh air or go to the bank. His family is geographically closer, and mine already had seven grandkids. Sarah. If not, put your foot down and say you just can't have guests right after the birth, but they're welcome to come a few months later. I couldn't even think about entertaining a house guest. Just stick to your guns. Yes, Yes, and Yes. Whether or not they want to get the vaccination is up to them, but whether or not unvaccinated friends and family are in close proximity to your newborn is up to you. By then, I wasn't so exhausted and could manage guests. You've got this momma, deep breaths! Are you the sort of person who can have guests in your home and let them fend for themselves? One way to approach the visit is to lay out the jobs and match them up to the person. I think that when the time comes I will have no problem leaving the room when I have to breastfeed, asking them to leave if I feel more comfortable where I am at the moment, or limiting the time they get to hold the baby. Were in a two bedroom apartment in NJ, both me and hubbys parents live far out of state (Florida and Louisiana). A newborn or the misinformed older adults. Offer to pay for the hotel yourself so they can see how important it is to you. Will you be comfortable breastfeeding in front of these family members. A professional counsellor might have some very good suggestions and ideas for how to cope with your mother without feeling so horrid about it yourself. If I expect very little from her, I find this works quite well in that I am not disappointed, but sometimes (rarely) pleasantly surprised when she does act nice.

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