We have spoken and both want to move past the situation and continue our relationship, which is normally so wonderful and makes us both really happy. Instead, I found this me, fast asleep. Now everyone's in the dark. Youve mentioned to him before that you dont feel comfortable about heather (and rightly so!!). (GOOD!). Submitted by Steptotheright on Tue, 02/18/2020 - 5:39pm. Thank you for sharing. Now onto the actual problem: I went through my husband's phone a few nights ago in a panic after a very vivid and graphic nightmare (I think it was triggered by a news story I'd seen about a father committing a murder suicide) while I was half asleep, and I saw that he had pictures of his female coworker on there. It's disrespectful. Since we broke upI have found out many other things about her that she lied to me about. 1 of 4. It's called accountability and full transparency. WebThe fact that he went through your phone is a clear indication that all is not well. The fact that you went through your boyfriends phone is a red flag: it means that you dont trust him enough. It is about accessing various accounts and systems that one or the other of us use. Married couples are supposed to be as one; therefore, his phone is also yours and vice versa. 11 Reasons Not To Snoop 1. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. It's ours. I still think that if you've been given cause to suspect then you do have the right to know. If so, youre in the right place. So it's hardly shocking that he has picture after picture of dinosaur bones. We have intuition and need to listen to it. "When you feel compelled to snoop, youre acting from fear, doubt, insecurity and distrust," Emily Bouchard, a certified money coach, tells Bustle. Submitted by Jojo4124 on Thu, 01/07/2021 - 9:53am. Now onto the actual problem: I went through my husband's phone a few nights ago in a panic after a very vivid and graphic nightmare (I think it was triggered by a news story I'd seen about a father committing a murder suicide) while I was half asleep, and I saw that he had pictures of his female coworker on there. If this blows up your relationship, GOOD. I don't ever feel the need to go through because he tells me what's up first. They can sometimes be weird (like what if I just took all my clothes off in the middle of this store), but mine are often violent and very distressing (walking down the stairs holding my son and suddenly thinking about throwing him down the stairs, or checking on my daughter at night and thinking what if I smothered her with a pillow), and sometimes they can lead to awful nightmares. I used to be jealous of this girl, and if we're honest here all his female friends because I considered them competition. You know, I was never a snoop. I really appreciate how he's always so forthcoming with it. It is not likeliar/cheateris going to be truthful with you when you ask them anyways. You should know your spouse's passwords for Facebook, etc. also not all of these messages are in order. You are so right, she is very irrelevant. Some may argue privacy issue and everyone deserves their privacy. Well said, and let's face it, most people are text communicating these days. Im just part of an old married couple, but Im all Heres my password, whatever. Either he can be a grown-up and a responsible partner, or he can't. It's not about thephone. Many probably wouldn't like this, but now since we have iPhones we have done the family sharing thing where you can see each other's locations. That stuff is not intended for my husband's eyes. I wont be confronting her, I dont think I should be in contact with her as she shouldnt know that she bothered me this much, I feel like she would enjoy that. He has admitted to himself (which was important) and to me, that it stems from his fear of confrontation. I guess it's not totally surprising to read him talking about the craze inspiring criminal activity then. Hurt By What I Discovered. It's about trust, not about "transparency". My marriage is still a work in progress but I believe we are making good steps forward. Any advice on how to move forward? WebThe fact that he went through your phone is a clear indication that all is not well. (Actually, still doesn't really). Yes, this - I agree. I don't go looking through DH phone. When we first started dating, she begged him back. This is where we clash, and why it has become, as you said Tog, a case of feeling like I have another child to keep tabs on. Fortunately, maturity helped me realize that it was perfectly healthy for him to have platonic female friends. I figured scanning for a telltale racy pic was a good place to start. But if a couple has that trust in a marriage, why would a spouse even feel the need to ask for their phone or go into their FB or email? Now, what do you do? Don't know how long you've been married but after a while, the old "Forgot to tell you" gets old. You turned me on to Chump Lady several years ago, and I found her website useful even though I wasn't married to a cheater. 1 / 2. For me, there is not much that I do not share, proactively, but there certainly are details that I do not share when my incredible bride and I discuss what we each did each day over dinner, wine, or pillow talk. Quality relationships far more often than not have areas where each partner maintains some level of autonomy and their own counsel or the counsel of friends and acquaintances. And one night, there I was, suddenly with his phone in my hands. When I asked what he was doing, he shoved my phone in my face and it was a sex video of me and the man who I Keeping the confidence of a venting session from a friend or family member whose issues don't affect your lives is valid, and my comments don't relate to this aspect. Exploring the dark, deep underbelly of my husband's phone ended up being far less painful than I expected. These days, I will generally only snoop through his phone if there is talk of his son wanting to come and visit. When it comes to privacy between husband and wife, where do you stand? I also feel incredibly guilty for going through his phone in the first place and it's somewhat stopping me from confronting him about this. I don't remember hers since I don't go into her accounts. BM and his past financial, and boundary,choiceswith regard to herhave been a big issue. Your boyfriend has sent questionable messages to a girl with whom he has a relationship that youre not entirely comfortable withand he knows it, and he broke your trust in this way. This might sound cheesy, but I suggest agreeing on a time together to have the conversation and agreeing upon an amount of time to talk about it. He knows everything about my friends, my family and vice versa. The problem comes when you start to mistrust them and think they are hiding something from you. a lot of the things he said were very on the line between friendly and flirty so im worried when i bring it up hes going to say he was just being friendly. If DH has suspicions of me, I'd like him to be a grown-up and tell me so. "When you feel compelled to snoop, youre acting from fear, doubt, insecurity and distrust," Emily Bouchard, a certified money coach, tells Bustle. Read our texts and would love to hear your opinions about the situation. These consequences could be going to counseling to discuss your trust issues or having your spouse leave you if they feel it's an invasion of privacy. Secrecy is a different ball park. I know he hasnt cheated, and he understands my reasons and said hes angry with himself for not doing anything to put my mind at ease when I had told him about her all those times in the past. He stated he couldn't live without being trusted, and I stated that in order to trust him he must show he can be trusted by volunteering pertinent info. I was clear that it was the lying that really bothered mein fact, the lying and hiding bothered me much more than the spending. Keeping something private doesnt mean that you are keeping it a secret. 4. Unless you have some example in your past of your instincts leading you wrong, then you should follow them. Has nothing to do with not trusting each other, but has to do with I lost my phone in an uber and because it just makes it easier when trying to plan logistics sometimes, or even sometimes I forget to tell my bf I made it safely to happy hour with my friends or something then hours go by and my bf is like are you still alive? You have more patience than I do - I would not be able to excuse his behavior as some kind of misguided effort to keep the peace. I have met her twice now and could tell there was something very untrustworthy and very two-faced about her. Then looking at their texts and social media without their knowledge is a problem. He ignored me- I left my phone at home one time to go shopping and he took it upon himself to go through my notes. And I really, really fucking wish I hadn't. My DH and I have the passcodes to each others' phones. Web2 days of "and the lord heard me - i have my answers" || nsppd || 6th july 2023 3.) If you and your spouse have a "my cell phone is mine and your cell phone is yours" agreement, great! Ive come on here to ask some advice about my recent discovery after I did the terrible deed of snooping through my boyfriends phone. If you knew more back before texting and social media, then doesn't that mean your spouse actually communicated more with you? WebThe fact that you went through your boyfriends phone is a red flag: it means that you dont trust him enough. The lack of trust is the real issue. So it would be like a sports fan who feels that tennis is too wimpy texting about the U.S. Open. And him saying you broke his trust is just him trying to take the blame off him. My husband and I do have each others passcodes. I dove next into his notes. Submitted by juststressedbey on Thu, 02/20/2020 - 12:57pm. For us it isn't about a lack of trust. For some reason, I'm like Captain Hook from Peter Pan, and SS is like the crocodile. Submitted by SCDad01 on Wed, 02/19/2020 - 9:26am. Not just the spouse's privacy, but the privacy of those who communicate with the spouse. There was some reason you felt the need to check out his phone. Pretty self explanatory. Last night, I had his phone in my hand and my curiosity got the better of me and I started snooping through his texts with her. Submitted by sandye21 on Wed, 02/19/2020 - 10:42am. It is a violation of their privacy. If you pick up your spouse's phone to know anything at all that's happening in his or her and others' lives, you may never know. In addition to pages of "to do" lists was one marked "Gaga." But I don't think it's ever OK to look through a spouse's phone without permission unless there is an emergency or other urgent need to do so. He's an amateur photographer and I remembered that he had some pictures of her at the beach from when they went to Florida (they're both military and their office sent them both on a TDY) on his Google Drive so I went to check that. Some things simply dont concern other people, not directly anyway. I sometimes look at my spouse's texts simply to find out what's happening in the world, to include theworld of SKs. I am one who thinks going through a spouse's phone is a breach of privacy. Full transparency, or else! Submitted by Missingme on Tue, 02/18/2020 - 9:56pm. I honestly don't think they're having a physical affair, but I can't think of any reason now why he has these photos and apparently looks at them often besides that he's having a one sided emotional affair. Ask him as many questions as you need to get closure. I share some of what I say, and some of what others are experiencing with her. My (23f) bf (35m) went out to a business dinner with a woman, that turned into drinks after. Submitted by Thumper on Tue, 05/12/2020 - 11:50am. Last night, I had his phone in my hand and my curiosity got the better of me and I started snooping through his texts with her. Not nudes or anything, but they were all of her from when she had visited our house and were taken without her knowing I think. If you start catching him in a lie or omission this is a red flag. Youve looked in the Cloud, went through her phone and found nothing that would incriminate her. I woke up in the middle of the night to him sneaking my phone back in my room. Archived post. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, Submitted by Kes on Wed, 02/19/2020 - 12:23am. Focus your energies on getting out or fixing it versus combing through their Apple Watch in their sleep. As have his dealings with thieving SD and the repudation of his promise to me about getting our money back, and also giving consenquences. Some spouses are insecure. Although he understands why I did so, he is still hurt and claims he doesnt really trust me with his phone right now but he will get over it personally I dont see what I did as a betrayal of his trust as I had reason to do so, a reason I had communicated to him several times before I did so and if he went through my phone, I wouldnt care anywhere near as much as he happens to care. It makes you into someone you dont want to be. I wouldnt make a habit out of it just because, but if I suspect anything that my partner may be doing that I would have a problem with, then hell yes I'm going to look. I woke up in the middle of the night to him sneaking my phone back in my room. Its also an indication of insecurity, and it is also important to acknowledge your insecurities. He probably typed this text with glee. One time my kid was all, Whats your password, dad? to look something up and he was all, Give the phone to me and I immediately said, Its *****. He was all shell-shocked, as you perfectly described. Having this arrangement isn't always for nefarious reasons. If you and your spouse have a "mi cell phone es se cell phone" agreement, great! Snooping won't make them into better husbands. Something isn't right in the relationship if you have to look without permission, so either talk through it to find a solution or bounce. WebI went through his phone. If there's a prehistoric skeleton in the area, he can smell it like a shark smells blood in the water. Please log in OR register. I would be quite angry if he went through my phone. She had zero respect for our relationship. you have the right to be upset. If I hadn't snooped DH would now be bankrupt (and may have taken me down with him) and I would be unaware of how not only let his theiving daughter off the hook (who stole our $20k wedding/honeymoon fund) but chased after her without so much as wanting an apology let alone giving a consequence. I am doing what I have to so Iam financially secure. Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 02/19/2020 - 1:31pm. I was pretty confident that Id find hard We have had to work through a lot of things to discover why he felt the need to keep secrets, and why I should be privy to information which affects me. She couldn't figure out where the beeping was coming from and it was driving her nuts. I believe married couples should have transparency. 1 / 2. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. He had something incriminating on his phone, another red flag. Submitted by Old sm on Wed, 02/19/2020 - 4:03pm. why did he get so madtruly, why did he have his reaction? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. WebWe would like to show you a description here but the site wont allow us. Those two things will exist when we have brain implants that we used to telepathically communicate with one another. There are many reasons not to check your partners phone, even if you fear that they are cheating on you. Got home after midnight. I Looked Through My Boyfriends Phone Because I Thought He Was CheatingHe Wasnt And He Dumped Me. Bringing it up after you have moved past it will only aggrevate him. Any darn time you want to look at it. But when guys suddenly get possessive of their phones and change the password it makes me nervous. Absolutely. WebWe would like to show you a description here but the site wont allow us. IF you want privacy for your phone go live by yourself. You should also consider the state of your relationship and evaluate whether the love has been lost between you two. But having said that, I'm really against it because you shouldn't have to. Read our texts and would love to hear your opinions about the situation. Submitted by Justthesecondwife on Wed, 02/19/2020 - 6:31am. He broke your trust too! You shouldnt act like nothing happened and internalize your feeling. But those things were always true! Acknowledge your wrongdoing, to him of course. IMO if you cannot have a relationship like ^ there is no reason to be in one. I want a partner, not a child I have to keep tabs on. Exactly instead of being played for years by a narcissist, discover the truth. I have done it in the past and I have been 100% right that there was something going on behind my back. It was never an agreement we made. So be it. Also I would not consider it snooping. There are many reasons not to check your partners phone, even if you fear that they are cheating on you. Scan this QR code to download the app now. My DH does nothing that I am suspicious about or needs to hide anything. Reddit, Inc. 2023. This is an issue of trust and communication. Submitted by Miss T on Thu, 01/07/2021 - 10:02am. If you date/marry someone who wants their cell phone to be private, all you're doing is setting your relationship up to fail if you think "oh, I'll just snoop instead". Right or wrong- whatever I found- If I have lost faith and respect in my spouse then why am I even married?

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